dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
