i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
