Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize