it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
