There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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