i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
