tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
