I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize