You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
