dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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