she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
