Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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