On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
