five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
