Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
