I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
