the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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