im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
