Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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