OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
