Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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