can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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