i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
