Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
