dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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