Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
