After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
