its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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