I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
