Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
