the condom got lost in my hair
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
