Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
