I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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