i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
