the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
