i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
