I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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