...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
