Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize