Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
