so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
