Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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