If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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