I will die if light touches me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
