So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
