the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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