im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
