I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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