Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
