I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
