he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
