capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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