She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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