She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you made out with another girl for some wings
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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