He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
