Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
