Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
