the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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