I must be too annoying 4 u.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
