I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
