did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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