wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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