NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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