Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
