I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
