I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
