Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
