Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
